The Haunted Spookshow Of Channel X: SLEAZE FEATURE: 'TEENAGE HOT-ROD WEREWOLVES FROM MARS!' (2004)

When I did my big tribute to the glories of Planet Motherfucker and other psychotronobilly games, there were some I plum forgot existed. Reorganizing my bookshelves reminded me there's a few more.

Like Teenage Hot-Rod Werewolves From Mars!, a d20 Modern minigame featured in EN World Gamer #2.

From the intro, by author Corey Reid:

"Teenage Hot-Rod Werewolves From Mars is...designed to recall the classic science fiction and horror films of the 1950s.... The players take on the roles of assorted Teenage Monsters: misunderstood youths who nevertheless are always there to answer the call of danger and save their beloved town from the Attacks Of Otherworldly Menaces!"

That sounds plenty Planet Motherfucker-ful right there, itellyuhwhut. (Except for those "answer the call of danger" and "save their beloved town" parts, obviously.)

The general assumption is that PCs had ordinary teenage lives in the all-American burg of Summerville before turning monstery, so they start with backgrounds (as d20 Occupations, with appropriate Ability mods) like Good Kid, Bad Kid, Delinquent, and Brainiac. There's a pointed difference between the middle pair, as Bad Kids "aren't criminals or anything, but...always sneaking out after dark [and] putting frogs in [their] sister's lunchboxes", while Delinquents amp it up with switchblades, mother's tears, and general no-goodnikery. Cute.

Next come the five character classes, where players decide to be "stompy, googly, oozy, bitey, or howly" as, respectively, Teenage Frankensteins, Teenage Martians, Teenage Swamp Monsters, Teenage Vampires, or Teenage Werewolves.

Excuse me while I type "stompy, googly, oozy, bitey, or howly" again. Gives me the giggles.

Classes follow the obvious beats: Teenage Frankensteins are bruisers. Teenage Martians [blow the "used to be normal" thing right out of the water, as they're actually invaders from space...but the good kind] are techie-psychic wizards with "mini-Martian" animal familiars. Teenage Swamp Monsters are outright D&D druids. Teenage Vampires are facemen / skill-jockeys. Teenage Werewolves are stab-machines [that seem overly complicated and crunchy due to multiple forms, accidental transformations, etc].

The accompanying Class art is delightful. Love the peatnik [I TOTALLY JUST MADE THAT UP!!!] and Olivia Newton-Jaracula [DITTO!!! I AM HILARIOUS!!!].

There are no Teenage Mummies. A tragedy!

For those that care about such things, each class progresses from levels 1-10, with generally a Feat or Special Ability granted at each level. HP are d6 for the skill-ier ones, d8 for the fight-ier ones, and d10 for the obvious one. There seems to be no attention to balance (Teenage Martians and Swamp Monsters have a ton spell-like mojo going on), which is dandy. There's rules for Angst and Embarrassment (which capture the particular social hazards of being teenagers first and monsters second), and tweaked Skills to make them more appropriate to the time period. Like, Computer Use gets over half a page of text and charts and Difficulty Classes and such, but boils down to "it's a gymnasium-sized box with lights and dials that answers one question only...and maybe not correctly". And Hot-Rod handles racing for pinks and fast chases and sounds really fun on paper, yet devolves into boring Skill Checks. I totally like the intent, but the d20-ness really clunkies it up.

You can't have a 1950s monsterfest without The Townsfolk, and there's a section on how to handle them...which is a wholly unsatisfying "treat the entire town as one single NPC and resolve its / their reactions with Diplomacy checks". Yuck, yuck, yuck. I get that it's a minigame with limited pages, but man, that is terrible.

Another thing. There's no detailing how Teenage Monsters are supposed to—in the context of the setting as designed, I mean—interact with The Townsfolk. If the PCs were normal and then creature-fied, are they secret vigilantes? Social pariahs? Blatant superheroes? With light-hearted fluff like this, the answer should obviously be "whatever equals maximum fun", but there is a huge disconnect between the goofy setting motifs and the framing ruleset. And it wasn't helped by this thread, where the designer suggests the default assumption is The Townsfolk are "blissfully ignorant" of the mayhem around them...which makes any kind of codified Diplomacy interactions and the aforementioned Embarrassment mechanics totally weird.

I'm clearly over-thinking this.

The text rounds out with some bits about Combat [my summary: "It's the '50s, so don't run around with machine-guns and swords, and don't hack-n-slash your way through everything." Like, really? Does this actually have to be explained?], and two new foe monsters: Yer Basic Martian (the bad kind) and Brain In A Vat. Also cute. The monsters, I mean.

You can find a map of Summerville and a PDF'd version of the long-gone-from-the-original-host-proper web enhancement (with NPCs, a travel guide for Summerville, and more) in that same forum thread. Worth a look.

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Teenage Hot-Rod Werewolves From Mars! is a slick little vehicle, lovingly created...but woefully hampered by the underlying engine. It's begging to be rejiggered for...oh, I dunno...Savage Worlds, maybe? Go that route, and there's even a Teenage Frankenstein template all ready to go.

Or, hell, just play THRWFM! with the original rpg for teenage monster hijinks.