Tuesday, December 24, 2013


Wishing You And Yours A
Very Scary Planet Motherfucker Christmas


Friday, December 20, 2013


Howdy, pardners!

If you need a brand new ride, go see Bob!

You want a deal bona fide, go see Bob!

If it runs on gas, blood, or coal,

   it'll just cost you your soul!

Go see Bob, go see Bob, go see Bob!!!

If your car needs new guns, go see Bob!

Or hexes by demon-nuns, go see Bob!

Tires, armor, blades, and glass,

   you'll save a bundle, bet your ass!

Go see Bob, go see Bob, go see Bob!!!

No matter where you are on Planet Motherfucker's godforsaken highways, Baphomet Bob's Ride-O-Rama is always just an incantation away.  Say the words, take the next blind curve...and there it is, a ramshackle car lot lit up in neon, Satanic flags, and streamers.

Then there's Bob himself, a glib, glow-eyed demon in polyester western wear.  Only his wit is more pointed than his horns, ears, and teeth.

Baphomet Bob prides himself on carrying everything a death-racer, cannibal-biker, and/or monster-trucking monster on the go needs.  He'll soup-up your ride to run on virgin screams or powdered bones.  He'll arm it to the teeth...literally.  He'll fix what needs fixin'.  Or, best yet, put you in a brand new set of wheels!

All it costs is your immortal soul (you're not really using it, right?), or your firstborn, or your most treasured memory, or something precious you'd definitely just lose anyway.  Make Bob an offer he can't refuse!

And if it'll close the deal, he'll throw in some "quality time" with his busty and lusty, spooky and ooky secretaries.  Check out that rack on Rhoda—she's a peach, despite the scales.

Pay no attention to those shadowy mechanics lurking back there.  They're the best at what they do, but they'll gut you before divulging their secrets.

One more thing.  Don't even THINK about trying to rip off Baphomet Bob.  That's why he's got his trusty dog, Spot...keeps unsavory customers from gettin' any hairbrained ideas.  (And by "dog", I mean his mangy, clawed, hulking, chimeric abomination of a beast, whatever it is.  Looks like a sabre-toothed cat some days, and a mammoth on others...and even a whale from time to time.)

Go see Bob, go see Bob, go see Bob!!!

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Planet Motherfucker's Most Wanted: FARMER VINCENT AND HIS SISTER, IDA

Decent eats are as rare as fuel and virgins on Planet Motherfucker, so there's little more precious to the famished wasteland warrior than Farmer Vincent Smith's famed meaty cuisine. Vincent and his trusty sister, Ida, make the freshest, tastiest, and healthiest rations around from anything that flies, crawls, or swims...as the saying goes, "It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent Fritters!"

What no one knows, though, is that the Farmer Vincent's secret ingredient is human flesh...but given the amazing taste, would anyone really truly care...?

Farmer Vincent Smith
Seasoned (20 XP)
Attributes:  Agility d6Smarts d8Spirit d8Strength d6Vigor d6
Skills:  Driving d6Fighting d6Healing d6Knowledge (All Things Meat) d10Notice d6, Persuasion d8, Shooting d6
Derived:  Charisma 2Pace 6Parry 5, Toughness 6 (1)
Hindrances:  Code Of Honor (Country Gentleman)Delusional (Everything Is Edible)Vow (Sacred Calling)
Edges:  Berserk, Charismatic, Luck
Gear:  Chainsaw (2d6+4)Winchester Rifle (range: 24 / 48 / 96, damage: 2d8, RoF 1, AP 2)Overalls (as Leather Armor+1 Armor), Severed Pig Head (as Pot Helmet, +3 Armor, +50% versus Headshot), Farming Implements (as Toolkit), Assorted Jerkies (as Trail Rations, x5)

Kindly, cordial, and just plum polite, Farmer Vincent stands in stark contrast to the sleazy lowlifes that infest Planet Motherfucker.  Vincent's an avatar of long-forgotten hospitality, wholesomeness, and self-reliance, and it's his God-granted duty to keep Murica as clean and healthy as possible...

...by butchering every scumbag, pervert, and freakjob that crosses his path, and turning them into nutritious vittles for the few decent folks left.  Cannibalism doesn't phase him in the slightest, as he takes his ol' Granny Smith's adage to heart:  "Meat's meat, and a man's gotta eat!"  

Farmer Vincent is so pleasant and charming, his insane crusade almost seems sensible.  The true depths of his batshititude only shine when some nosy or disrespectful hooligan gets his dander up...and that's when the severed-swine-head-helmet and chainsaw come out with a vengeance.

The roadways and terrain surrounding Farmer Vincent's compound (the rustic "Motel Hello") are littered with vehicle-wrecking boobytraps, so he harvests plenty of human roadkill.  And any unsavory visitors to his abode get drugged and/or bludgeoned into submission...

...then have their vocal chords slit...

...then get buried alive neck-deep for a few weeks of "tenderizing" in the rich earth and their own filth...

...then get lynched via tractor-pull when ready for "harvesting"...

...and finally get uprooted for rendering in the slaughterhouse.

Wealthy by Planet Motherfucker standards (due to both his shrewd business acumen, and victims' loot), Vincent has a working pick-up and tractor, and a stockpile of weapons, gear, auto parts, and gasoline.  He eschews Planet Motherfucker's standard currencies, and opts for toilet paper and lemonade instead of beer, because alcohol is for degenerates.

And Vincent's deepest, darkest secret (beyond being a mass-murdering long-pig mogul, that is)...? Despite all vehement claims to the contrary, he uses...preservatives!!!

Ida Smith
Attributes:  Agility d6Smarts d4Spirit d6Strength d8Vigor d8
Skills:  Fighting d8, Intimidation d6, Knowledge (Farming/Ranching) d6, Shooting d4, Stealth d6, Taunt d6
Derived:  Charisma 0Pace 6Parry 6, Toughness 8 (1)
Hindrances:  BloodthirstyLoyal, Stubborn
Edges:  Brawny, Nerves Of Steel
Gear:  Battle Axe (Str +d8), Overalls (as Leather Armor, Armor +1), Crowbar, HammerHandcuffs (x5), Rope (10', x5), Shovel

In stark contrast to her beloved older brother and his lofty, noble notions, the gluttonous, rough-and-tumble Ida is slyly sadistic and mean-spirited...seriously, that gal loves to scare, maim, and kill, and Vincent struggles to keep her indulgences in check.  That said, she's a devoted caretaker once her "livestock" is procured and planted.

Ida frequently wears Vincent's pig head without permission, much to his consternation.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

The Planet Motherfucker Hit Parade: NEKROMANTIX

Demons Are A Girl's Best Friend (1996)

Nice Day For A Resurrection (2002)

Gargoyles Over Copenhagen (2002)

What Happens In Hell, Stays In Hell (2011)