Monday, September 19, 2016

DEADER HOMES AND GOREDENS™ — THE PLANET MOTHERFUCKER DECORATING GUIDE!!!

You viewers of The Haunted Spookshow Of Channel X are well aware of Ye Olde Author's unabashed affection for those chintzy boxed costumes of Halloweens past.  The garish imagery of the garb, the chemical scents that choked store aisles, and the incessant susurruses of children's vinyl-clad bodies informed the Octobers of my childhood.

I love those old Ben Cooper and Collegeville and Kusan duds.  Absolutely love them.  (I was even a Jaws 2 in kindergarten!!!)

So it is with great fanfare and jubilation that I present THE GREATEST THINGS I HAVE EVER SEEN:





THEY'RE AMAZING!!! 



THEY'RE HUGE!!!  



THEY'RE BOXED!!!




THEY COME SEVEN STYLES,
ALL BASED ON CLASSIC DESIGNS!!!




Retro-A-Go-Go is taking pre-orders now, for late September delivery.  And at $34.99 apiece, I think they're a total bargain, because trying to find original masks / costumes in decent condition will set you back much more scratch.

Oh!  These are just Series 1—more waves are gonna be on the way!!!

So go pre-order some masks.  They'll look great on the walls of your manic-caves!!!

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

COULROPHRENZY — A PLANET MOTHERFUCKER NEWS BREAK!!!



All true, all topical headlines devoid of content—THE SENSATIONALISM YOU CRAVE, WITH NONE OF THE CONTEXT!!!









Monday, June 27, 2016

PLANET MOTHERFUCKER'S MOST WANTED: MAXINE BEECHER, AKA "HAZMAX"


High school hooligans thought it would be hilarious to lure hulking simpleton Maxwell Beecher to Make-Out Valley with promises of acceptance and debauchery.  No one knew that M-OV, being far off the beaten path, was also an illicit toxic dumping ground.

Shenanigans of the fatal kind ensued, culminating in Max dissolving in sludge and his classmates vowing silence...

...and silent they were, until their screams heralded Max's return from the grave.  Many cruel jocks, coaches, and snobs got their chemical-drenched comeuppance.

Turns out that it wasn't Max under the fume hood, though, but his brainy, comely, and all around cranky fraternal twin sister, Maxine.  Quite the reveal!

Using her mastery of chemistry (particularly of the "meltin' kind") and handiness with an axe, Maxine still targets bullies and nogoodniks, but also shady industrialists and the corrupt officials in their pockets.  She's also the most eco-friendly of the masked slashers, and sometimes finds herself on the side of granola-type protesters (until killing them out of annoyance, that is).



Maxine Beecher, aka "HazMax"
Masked Slasher
Attributes:  Agility d10Smarts d10Spirit d12Strength d12Vigor d10
Skills:  Fighting d10, Intimidation d10, Knowledge (Chemistry) d12, Notice d8, Repair d6Stealth d10, Throwing d8
Derived:  Pace 4Parry 7Toughness 9 (2)
Hindrances:  LoyalVengeful (Major)
Edges:  CounterattackFast HealerHard To KillKiller Instinct, LuckNerves Of SteelNo Mercy, QuickSweep
Gear:  Axe (Str +d6)Hazmat Suit (Armor +2, Protects Against Radiation, Chemical and Biological Agents, Low-Light Vision, Pace -2)All The Toxins
Special Abilities
  • Fast Regeneration:  Maxine's exposure to strange chemicals has amped her recuperative powers against everything but fire.
  • Fear -2:  HazMax's intimidating garb is fearsome to behold.