ROADSIDE MALEFACTION: BAPHOMET BOB'S RIDE-O-RAMA

Howdy, pardners!

If you need a brand new ride, go see Bob!

You want a deal bona fide, go see Bob!

If it runs on gas, blood, or coal,

   it'll just cost you your soul!

Go see Bob, go see Bob, go see Bob!!!

If your car needs new guns, go see Bob!

Or hexes by demon-nuns, go see Bob!

Tires, armor, blades, and glass,

   you'll save a bundle, bet your ass!

Go see Bob, go see Bob, go see Bob!!!

—

No matter where you are on Planet Motherfucker's godforsaken highways, Baphomet Bob's Ride-O-Rama is always just an incantation away.  Say the words, take the next blind curve...and there it is, a ramshackle car lot lit up in neon, Satanic flags, and streamers.

Then there's Bob himself, a glib, glow-eyed demon in polyester western wear.  Only his wit is more pointed than his horns, ears, and teeth.

Baphomet Bob prides himself on carrying everything a death-racer, cannibal-biker, and/or monster-trucking monster on the go needs.  He'll soup-up your ride to run on virgin screams or powdered bones.  He'll arm it to the teeth...literally.  He'll fix what needs fixin'.  Or, best yet, put you in a brand new set of wheels!

All it costs is your immortal soul (you're not really using it, right?), or your firstborn, or your most treasured memory, or something precious you'd definitely just lose anyway.  Make Bob an offer he can't refuse!

And if it'll close the deal, he'll throw in some "quality time" with his busty and lusty, spooky and ooky secretaries.  Check out that rack on Rhoda—she's a peach, despite the scales.

Pay no attention to those shadowy mechanics lurking back there.  They're the best at what they do, but they'll gut you before divulging their secrets.

One more thing.  Don't even THINK about trying to rip off Baphomet Bob.  That's why he's got his trusty dog, Spot...keeps unsavory customers from gettin' any hairbrained ideas.  (And by "dog", I mean his mangy, clawed, hulking, chimeric abomination of a beast, whatever it is.  Looks like a sabre-toothed cat some days, and a mammoth on others...and even a whale from time to time.)

Go see Bob, go see Bob, go see Bob!!!