MARVELS OF THE UNIVERSE

 

"DANCE, SPIDER-HE-MAN, DANCE!!!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Umerica Unleashes... SILVERSCREEN!!!

Here's my current DCC Umerica character rejiggered from various Transmorphotronobotic games that never got off the ground.  Consider him extra-jankified to fit into the apocalypse proper.

—

On his home planet, Silverscreen was a curmudgeonly antiquarian, archivist, and amateur holographic-arts critic [think Doc "Bones" McEbert].

Then came "The Incident", where his scoutcraft crashed on a primitive, desert backwater one fateful July night in 1947.  He hid from local law and military forces in a run-down drive-in, and stayed there for decades learning about his environs through the lens of B-movies and classroom scare films.  Armageddon led him to coming out of the literal (storage) closet to a ruined world.

(art by me)

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"The Incident"

Alt-Mode!

Reel Hatchet!

Film Canister Battle-Tote!

(commission by Jacob Blackmon)

THIS IS PLANET MOTHERFUCKER -- MEMORIAL EDITION

 

RIP To One Of The Most Influential Figs Behind This Here Blog

THIS IS PLANET MOTHERFUCKER

 

The Guys Of Wrexus Are Upon You — Meet Señor Güsto, Viscous Vendor!

Señor Güsto is the owner / operator of  Señor Güsto's Fine Slimes, the go-to Gunspoint vendor for all your ooze-, goop-, and sludge-related needs.

Corrosive cruds?

Mucks medicinal and murderous?

Automotive alluvia?

Lascivious lubes?

Señor Güsto's got 'em all!

His petite, five-foot frame is inverse to his flamboyance.  Señor Güsto affects an outlandish Spanglish accent, gesticulating all the while with folding fan in one hand and dabbing handkerchief in the other.  (And, boy howdy, does he go through hankies, as he's perpetually dripping.  Señor Güsto blames the Grueston humidity, but nobody perspires that much.)

Señor Güsto is cagey about where, exactly, he procures his clammy commodities.  When queried, he narrows sly, twinkling eyes and mutters about "the labyrinthine Sewers Of Syzzurp".

[In Don't Mess With Wrexus: The Movie, Señor Güsto is portrayed by a CGI'd Luis Guzmán.]

The Guys Of Wrexus Are Upon You — Meet Professor Morgan Mist, Organist!

  

Professor Morgan Mist, Organist

Beneath Gunspoint's standard shanty-fortress cacophony floats tones—sometimes dulcet, sometimes sonorous, sometimes jaunty, always harmonious—of Ancient keyboards.  Following them leads to an unassuming, curtain-draped shopfront known as The Organ Exchange, Grueston's premier purveyor of musical mechanisms, vocal lessons, and second-hand organs.

Both definitions apply.  Of organs, that is.

Polydactylic proprietor Professor Morgan Mist razzles (dazzles cost extra) patrons with jingles from The Long Days Ago, corny repartee, and promises of teaching YOU mastery of an instrument in six easy lessons.  And no one beats his deals on slightly-used spleens—just ask 'im, he'll tell ya!—so buy, sell, and trade your scavenged saxophones and pilferred innards at The Organ Exchange today!

The Professor is available for weddings, spawings, batty mitzvahs, and brises, though he needs a month's advance notice and an intact carton of wet-wipes as a deposit.

Little is known about The Professor.  He's clearly an undead, but his species is a mystery.  And though it seems he'd be in cahoots with the necromancers of The Necrozone (what with their similar graverobbery pursuits and all), Mist often badmouths them... in song, even.  His diss ditties get intense.

Rumors persist that Mist's fez has either hypnotic properties (better to impart musical mastery in students...?), or an evil li'l critter living within.  But not both, because that'd be crazy.

[In Don't Mess With Wrexus: The Movie, Professor Morgan Mist is portrayed by Crispin Glover.]

THIS IS PLANET MOTHERFUCKER

 

ROADSIDE MALEFACTION: CHAINSAW SADIE'S LOVE GARAGE

 

"Chainsaw" Sadie Kowalczyk

Despite lopped limbs and gnarly trauma, Sadie Kowalczyk Final Gal'd the hell out of that inbred cannibal family with their own terror-tools.  And per the KIATIS ("Kill It And Take Its Stuff") credo, she claimed their horrid homestead, transforming a backwoods Superfund-ian abattoir into one of Planet Motherfucker's must-see locales.

Yep, all road trips require a visit to Chainsaw Sadie's Love Garage.

Stock up on BBQ and jerky--now, both 100% hitchhiker-free!!!--and liquid libations distilled in-house!

Treat yer vehicle to a wash, tune-up, and repairs by the bevy of comely mechanics!

Take advantage of the spa, oh weary sons-of-the-road, as all truckstop amenities--from showers to cots to massages to "ahem... massages" are tended by fetching companions of all shapes, sizes, and species!

The Love Garage prides itself on being a safe, secure place to indulge, and offers assorted specialty suites for the adventurous.  So if you have the time and the budget, check out the Lagoon Room, Tomb Room, Cocoon Room, Bloom Room, Broom Room, 'Shroom Room, Dune Room, Moon Room, and / or Goop Room for delights that'll blow yer gaskets!  Perfect for honeymoons!

Chainsaw Sadie--part saloon madam, part pitmisstress, part junkyard cyborg, and all woman--herself is a brazen, bawdy broad who tolerates zero nonsense.  She's ferocious and protective, and takes in all manner of orphans to mold 'em from survivors to thrive-ers.  Her employees adore her, so cross Sadie at yer own peril.

The lady's signature weapon (engraved with "The Family Is Sawed" below a scored-out "The Saw Is Family") hangs above the main bar.  Rumor is it's fully gassed and ready to dice at a moment's notice.

Chainsaw Sadie thinks she has a friendly rivalry with Farmer Vincent Smith and his sister, Ida.  And with Vincent, she certainly does... but Ida?  That schemin' spinster plots to "harvest" Sadie and add The Love Garage to the Smith culinary empire.  The puritanical Vincent would take affront at such unseemliness (what with all the liquor and prostitution, above and beyond the simple galling treachery), so Ida's machinates on the sly.  Maybe she'll hire some PCs to do the dirty work...?

THIS IS PLANET MOTHERFUCKER

Saint Halloween

THIS IS PLANET MOTHERFUCKER

 

PLANET MOTHERFUCKER'S MOST WANTED: MAXINE BEECHER, AKA "HAZMAX"

High school hooligans thought it would be hilarious to lure hulking simpleton Maxwell Beecher to Make-Out Valley with promises of acceptance and debauchery.  No one knew that M-OV, being far off the beaten path, was also an illicit toxic dumping ground.

Shenanigans of the fatal kind ensued, culminating in Max dissolving in sludge and his classmates vowing silence...

...and silent they were, until their screams heralded Max's return from the grave.  Many cruel jocks, coaches, and snobs got their chemical-drenched comeuppance.

Turns out that it wasn't Max under the fume hood, though, but his brainy, comely, and all around cranky fraternal twin sister, Maxine.  Quite the reveal!

Using her mastery of chemistry (particularly of the "meltin' kind") and handiness with an axe, Maxine still targets bullies and nogoodniks, but also shady industrialists and the corrupt officials in their pockets.  She's also the most eco-friendly of the masked slashers, and sometimes finds herself on the side of granola-type protesters (until killing them out of annoyance, that is).

Maxine Beecher, aka "HazMax"

Masked Slasher

Attributes:  Agility d10, Smarts d10, Spirit d12, Strength d12, Vigor d10

Skills:  Fighting d10, Intimidation d10, Knowledge (Chemistry) d12, Notice d8, Repair d6, Stealth d10, Throwing d8

Derived:  Pace 4, Parry 7, Toughness 9 (2)
Hindrances:  Loyal, Vengeful (Major)
Edges:  Counterattack, Fast Healer, Hard To Kill, Killer Instinct, Luck, Nerves Of Steel, No Mercy, Quick, Sweep

Gear:  Axe (Str +d6), Hazmat Suit (Armor +2, Protects Against Radiation, Chemical and Biological Agents, Low-Light Vision, Pace -2), All The Toxins
Special Abilities

• Fast Regeneration:  Maxine's exposure to strange chemicals has amped her recuperative powers against everything but fire.
• Fear -2:  HazMax's intimidating garb is fearsome to behold.

PLANET MOTHERFUCKER'S MOST WANTED: MC HAWKING

Straight outta Oxford comes a crazy muthafucka named MC Hawking, Planet Motherfucker's premiere lyrical astrophysicist.  He spits mad rhymes and drops literal science, and busts lectures and caps in equal measure (particularly against those wack suckas at MIT).  Tha Hawkman is a master of "the dozens", and drinks, smokes, and freaks with the power of the Big Biz-ang itself.

He's a monster, y'all.  And as all his shootings are drive-bys, step to his chair at your own peril.

MC Hawking is backed on the wheels of steel by DJ Doomsday, and Professor Puff 'N Stuff supplies the beatbox.  Tha Hawkman also fronts a heavy metal crew, Dark Matter.

MC Hawking

Gangsta Cosmologah

Attributes:  Agility d6, Smarts d12, Spirit d8, Strength d4, Vigor d4

Skills:  Intimidation 8+2, Knowledge (SCIENCE!) d10, Shooting d8, Streetwise d6, Taunt d6+2

Derived:  Pace 4, Parry 2, Toughness 5 (1)
Hindrances:  Enemy (Punk MIT Bitches), Lame, Stubborn
Edges:  Strong-Willed

Gear:  Gat (range:  12 / 24 / 48, damage:  2d6, RoF 1, Shots 17, AP 1, Double-Tap, Semi-Auto), Fresh Threads (as Leather Armor, Armor +1), Wheelchair Computer (as Handheld)

PLANET MOTHERFUCKER'S MOST WANTED: JONATHAN SKAGG, AKA "THE BLEEDER"

Campfire tales and urban legends warn of a murderous, gore-drenched psychopath who hides behind a trademark hockey mask.

That's not Jonathan Skagg.

No, Skagg's the other murderous, gore-drenched psychopath who hides behind a trademark hockey mask.  Or any other mask, really, as he's a master of disguise who always conceals his true face.

Little is known of Skagg's origins, other than he's spent considerable time institutionalized between killing sprees.  When disguised, he's gregarious and personable enough to pass as "normal", and since he works and plays well with other slashers, he's often the "inside man" on terrible team-ups.

When Skagg gets excited, aroused, or stressed (which all happen when he's a-murderin'), his nose bleeds copiously... hence the nickname, and why his victims are soaked in far more of the red stuff than their corpses originally contained.

Jonathan Skagg, aka "The Bleeder"

Masked Slasher

Attributes:  Agility d10, Smarts d8, Spirit d10, Strength d10, Vigor d12

Skills:  Climbing d6, Fighting d10, Notice d8, Persuasion d12+2, Stealth d10

Derived:  Pace 6, Parry 7, Toughness 9 (1)
Hindrances:  Anemic, Quirk (Never Lets Anyone See His True Face)
Edges:  Assassin, Berserk, Bruiser, Hard To Kill, Improvisational Fighter, Killer Instinct, Luck, No Mercy

Gear:  Stabbing Implements (Str +d6), Hockey Mask (Armor +1), Disguise Kit